I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
You Might Also Like
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I have so many questions.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.