Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…