Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.