If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Favourite diary entry ever
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?