Very problematic
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?