Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Breaking news:
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat