Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Mornin
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.