Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*