the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.