LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Think I pulled my liver
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.