nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy