I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads