CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
You Might Also Like
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.