“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?