5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
is nasa ok
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”