Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
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Morningbreath
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Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Holy shit he’s back
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Boom, boom, ching!