Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.