My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.