Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.