BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Can’t stop laughing
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”