[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
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If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020