Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.