The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
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me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
May never get over this
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype