Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
How do you like your Corgi?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.