So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
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If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Boating season is upon us.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.