Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
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Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
seems fine
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.