They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
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Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
when revenge coincides with naptime
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor