I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Buying a well is money well spent.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?