Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies