This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.