Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I wish I were this cool 😂
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.