wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street