[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on