Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
HERE’S MARKY
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.