Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.