[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
let’s discuss
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication