While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually