People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
A choir of Spring onions
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.