The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Weirdly Wednesday.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Breaking news:
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa