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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
you gotta be faster
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok