i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.