Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Why I divorced her.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.