My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
my retirement plan is braless
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever