I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
You Might Also Like
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12