Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
We like the way Dwight thinks
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.