[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
This was a bad idea all around
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?