Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
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Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
oh shit
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me