When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
You Might Also Like
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.