Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
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Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[eulogy]
line?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.