I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
You Might Also Like
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
What if the weather talks about us?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream